For the past few weeks, it sometimes feels like I am walking in quicksand. Trying to move forward, yet feeling pulled down and backward with every step. And even though there is something beautiful in sand, in the fact that so many tiny grains can be so beautiful and powerful together, it does feel heavy at times when it feels like you have to fight against each grain to get even a little bit forward.
Walking in the sand is actually taking a step, and not knowing where you're going to come out. The more you try to steer it, the more likely you are to get off balance and end up much farther from your goal. The harder you try to land, to stand more powerfully in the sand, the shakier it goes. The trick is in having confidence. Trusting that wherever you land, you will be ok, and that the sand is not your enemy, but will always carry you to where you are supposed to be, even if it is not what you had in mind. Powerful steps, from the whole body, but with a soft landing. With the conviction that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Letting go of all illusion of control.
Sometimes there are moments in life when it seems you are finally walking along the paved shoreline. The stretch of sand where the water touches your feet, and the surface is just hard enough to walk comfortably on. The piece where the footsteps of the one in front of you are clearly visible. The path where everything seems clear and ready. But then comes another storm. The wind comes up, the waves make the water flow further, the sand disturbs your vision and before you know it, the course takes you somewhere else entirely. Your instinct then sometimes wants to search back to the point where you got lost. But perhaps the trick is to map the land back to where you ended up after the storm subsides.
Maybe you ended up in the sea. With high waves coming and going. Maybe the terror overwhelms you that you will go under. Not knowing what is above and below anymore. Fear of drowning. And yet there is a small voice deep inside you that knows that waves can also lift you up, take you to new places. Places where the sea is a little calmer, even though there will always be waves.
When you get lost and try to map out the land and sea again, it often seems and feels like you have to start back from scratch. Totally broken. But actually we are not broken, we are in need of proper care and help. And even though the lighthouse is often first in sight then, a powerful light, that may not be the care and help we need. A lighthouse shines from high, and far. It attracts your attention and it helps you see better. But the condition, unfortunately, is that this is only the case when the beam is aimed at you. When the rays are pointing in your direction. Those moments are enlightening, feel warm, safe and good. But unfortunately, there is more time in the shadows, the cold and the darkness, when the beam of light completes the rest of the circle.
But we can also use a lantern as a resource. Maybe that light seems only a very small dot in the distance, it is always there. And once you get closer, it gets brighter, and warmer, and more beautiful. The road may seem slower, but the light will always be there, along with its safety and security.
The beauty of being human, even if it is often toil and toil, is that we can choose who we
want to be. The lantern, or the lighthouse. We can choose to be a constant, warm, safe source of light in someone's life. And we can also dare to ask for someone to light his/her lantern for us, when we get lost. Thus we gradually learn that we do not have to be fully healed in order to move forward in life.
That sometimes we can feel helpless, but therefore we are not helpless. That there are always choices we can make today, to get a different outcome in the future. And in that realization, to be allowed to feel some freedom. Freedom to move, even if it is quicksand. Freedom to choose. Do I want to be a lantern? Or a lighthouse? And by which one do I want to surround myself? Freedom to feel, that the grains of sand are not the enemy, but guide your way. Freedom to see, that the lanterns meant for you are always on your path. No matter how small the bright spot in the distance.
Love,
Lindsey
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